Dressing Room Insights

I am sure there are a number of people out there that can relate to me on this one. As life situations change, weight slowly starts to creep on and suddenly you are trying to find something to wear in your closet.

This is where I am at - right now.

So with business casual attire required for an event later this week (and I mean Alberta business casual, so jeans), I was looking around at what I could wear.  There I was, that depressing moment where you stare into a closet full of clothes and declare "I have nothing to wear."

Now don't get me wrong, I knew the weight was creeping on. Each week it is a bit of a silent prayer that the freshly washed dress pants will fit and I will look alright going to the office. I am not completely delusional.

However, today was the wake up call. It was time to go buy jean .... a size bigger.

As someone that understands a bit about the yoga philosophy, I figured that I had been treating myself with compassion and kindness (Ahimsa) - one of the first principles of yoga.  However, I had taken the concept of compassion and kindness and turned it into another excuse to not do what I know I need to do.  The excuses would sound something like, "I am being compassionate to my body and letting it rest more" (aka sleeping in); or "I am only going to do exercise I truly enjoy, once I figure out what that is" (but not actually doing anything) or "My body hurts, so I will just stretch today."

Here is the reality.

If I were to treat myself with compassion and kindness and embrace Ahimsa, it would be to move my body in some way and start eating better food. I know what I need to do - I just don't do it.

So tonight my action of Ahimsa was to go out and buy jeans - yes jeans, with an "s" - not just one pair, but two pairs of slightly larger jeans. I did this so that I have something to wear that makes me feel good and makes my butt look even better. I had to be honest with myself that right now, this is my size - and - that I had been terrified of what to wear when not at work. I have resorted to living in dresses and yoga pants.  The dresses are fine, but with the colder weather - and only 2 dresses I was wearing - I needed options. Plus it was avoiding the real issue of the fact that most of my pants don't fit.

However, I didn't stop my evening at Ahimsa. I moved to the second principle of Satya - Embracing the Truth.  The truth is, the stress at work is only part of the contributing pounds weighing me down. The lack of moving and the less than stellar food choices are all leading me to a place I would rather not go. So as I tried on jeans and actually caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - I had to be honest. I had let myself down. After working to lose over 60 pounds, I was letting the weight creep back on my body. I have brought myself to this place and I have the ability to change it.

If I am truly honest - I have to start making the changes now. I keep telling myself that when I really want to lose the weight - I will.  But this is not happening. I am not happy.  I am avoiding social situations as I don't know what to wear. I don't want to see friends I haven't seen in awhile because I am embarrassed about the weight. Plus, I think it is way less fun to get dressed, or buy clothes or even go shopping when it is going up in sizes instead of down.

So tonight I was honest with myself - the weight has come back.

I was honest that I know what it will take to start getting it to come off - I just need to be committed. I need to find a "reward" system that will keep me motivated and moving towards my goals.
And most importantly - tonight I stripped off the excuses and was kind enough to buy myself new jeans that make me feel good, and now I have something to wear out for all those fun social situations.

And all this insight came, from the inside of a dressing room!

January Reflections

January was what I would deem a roller coast month – about a week and a half ago I was in such a funk, I wasn’t sure I would be able to pull myself out.  I am not completely sure where this sudden anger and sadness came from, but needless to say I was not in a good place, I felt overwhelmed and lonely.  One of the struggles with moving to a new city is not having my “go to girlfriends” when things get rough and I need someone who just seems to know what to do.  I touch based with a few friends in the city and pushed myself to keep moving forward even though I wanted to hide under the covers.  I also used this time to reflect on when I have been happy and how I have pulled myself out of a gloomy funk before.

The answer I came up with was Yoga!  In particular – Moksha, a style of yoga I started doing when I lived in Waterloo.  I have not been in a Moksha studio for years, so I looked up the local studio and debated which class to attend.  As I prepared for my first class, I started to think of the philosophy behind yoga, which I learned about during a workshop called “The Yoga Code”.  The Yama Asteya stood out in my mind. 

Asteya – Non-stealing.

When reflecting on the Yama Asteya, I usually reflect on whether I am stealing from other people, do I steal their thunder, their thoughts or their freedom to be themselves?  I do not typically think about whether I am stealing from myself; however, as I reflected on the concept, I realized that is exactly what I had been doing.  The days of January were being wasted away on mindless activities, things that would not contribute to my joy or future ambitions.  I was mindlessly stealing time away from myself that I could have been using to go for my goals and build the life I want.  This reality hit me as I reflected on my notes....

“Steal from ourselves if we don’t prepare – if we want to change our life – we have to prepare to get our dreams and what we will do once we get them” 

The words were written into my notebook and circled with stars, as if to say – I am important, remember me. 

 It was then that I realized just how much time was disappearing as I sat on Facebook or mindlessly surfing the internet.  When I looked at my actions I realized I was stealing my desires from myself – the desire to feel healthy and strong, the desire to get in shape for my backpacking trip and my desire to feel connected to new people in this not so new city.  It is not that I do not have enough time – it is the fact that I have been stealing the little pieces of time I do have, to do things that don’t help me achieve my goals.  Okay, so perhaps there is a bit of truth in there not being enough time to do all the things I want, though if I didn’t waste time surfing the internet and arguing with myself about what to do for the evening – there would be more time!

So deciding to embrace the practice of Asteya – I grabbed my mat, my hot yoga towel, my water bottle and headed out to the local studio to give myself the gift of yoga.  I have gone four times – 3 different Moksha classes and a slow restorative Yin class.  I feel like I am giving myself back the pieces I have stolen over the past month – rebuilding myself to feel strong, healthy, motivated and inspired.  

When thinking about what you do in your day – can you say with certainty that you are not stealing your life from yourself?

Jumping In

My dream, slightly altered, has become my goal.  The original dream was to hike the Juan de Fuca trail – I have dreamt about it, researched it and talked about it for years.  The one thing I never did was put action behind my dream and actually make a plan to do it.  Then a few years back I decided I wanted to do the Chilkoot Trail.  I once again dreamt about it and started watching YouTube videos about the trail and other hikers’ adventures.  However, I once again did not put action behind my desire to do the trail and it stayed as a dream.

A few weekends ago I got an experience that allowed me see in a very real way, that I often do this in my life – I come up with what I want, I do the research, I dream about it; but when it comes to action I freeze up, point out all the reasons why it can’t be done and talk myself out of it.  However, the interesting part is the dream will usually cycle back around and I will do the same process over again.  Even as I write this I cannot help but think that the whole thing sounds a little insane.  The number of times I have been so close to action behind a dream is kind of mind-blowing ... I must have been just on that edge a number of times, yet never just jumped in and took the chance.

During another weekend adventure through many conversations and activities I was exploring different options for getting out and trying something new.  A few nights after this weekend I remembered a program called Outward Bound that a friend of mine did after getting her undergrad degree.  So I typed the words “Outward Bound” into Google, hoping that I remembered the name correctly.  Sure enough there was an “Outward Bound” and I clicked on the link.  It looked like the type of program my friend had talked about, so I started to explore their adult courses for 2014.  I saw the West Coast Trail – and a few other trips, but landed on one that sounded like EXACTLY what I was looking for.  The weekend, a backpacking trip in the Rockies, didn’t have 2014 dates posted, - so I figured I would email them later ....

Well the next day (or so), after reading the description an embarrassing number of times, I tweeted Outward Bound to see if I could get a response on if and when they would be offering the course.  The next day I saw the response – it was happening, though the dates were unknown.  Maybe a day (or so) later there was an additional tweet that stated the likely dates would be August 10 to 17, 2014.

On October 24^th I noticed the dates were up – August 10 to 17^th, 2014 and registration was open.  I read the description again, very – slowly, each word, carefully.  The next day as I read the description and opened up the tab to register I would freak out.  

“What if I cannot do it?”

“Am I strong enough?”

“My cardio SUCKS!”

“It is a lot of money.”

“What if life changes and I cannot go?”

 ALL the EXCUSES I could possibly think of came to mind.  I stopped for a second and thought – What do I REALLY want ...... and the answer was, I WANT to go on this trip.  So before I could change my mind I filled out the application form, typed in the payment information and hit complete.

Step one – I JUMPED - this is no longer a DREAM, it is now my GOAL.

So step two is figuring out how to plan for an 8 month goal of a backpacking trip.  I have been spinning my wheels a bit and today decided that step 2 will likely involve getting a trainer to help with setting up a plan.

So my lesson from October is – sometimes when standing on the edge, the action of anticipating what will happen and the voices in my head are way scarier than just jumping in and going for it. 

Getting inspired

I spent this past weekend out in the country at a lodge with 8 amazing women.  The weekend was pleasure – learning what it is and how to get more of it in our lives.  I know that I definitely enjoyed drinking my morning tea or coffee on the porch watching the sunrise paint the autumn landscape orange.  However, it also got me thinking a bit more about what I want.  I spent most of Saturday night outside alone watching the full(ish) moon light up the sky, feeling the cool breeze and hearing the other women laugh inside as they played games.  I just enjoyed the fresh air and the time in nature.

About a month and a half after moving to Edmonton I have signed up for a number of meetup groups.  Just a couple of weeks ago I found out that Edmonton has an outdoor club, so I signed up for that too.  Tomorrow will be my first event that I actually attend with the Edmonton Outdoor Club – a night of learning about snowshoeing.  The event is actually being held at Camper’s Village (an outdoor store) as part of their winter adventure series.  Tonight I ended up at Camper’s Village to see if they still did ski package deals and determine what it would cost to gear up for cross country skiing.  They invited me to sit down and listen to the lecture tonight – Winter Survival.  The passion of the presenters was contagious!  I noticed when the one guy started talking about search and rescue my reaction was pure excitement.  I have looked at doing search and rescue on and off for years, though each time I look at it I am reminded I am not in good enough shape to do what I want.  The realization came up again tonight – first I am not in the mountains and second, I am not in good enough shape to be in that type of roll.  The giddy passion that coursed through my body is almost at the threshold of giving in to at least working towards being in good enough shape for 2014 recruitment.  There is no guarantee that I will be able to meet all the requirements; however, I have learned that if I don’t start, I will never be where I want to. 

This just added to the fact that lately I really feel nature calling my name – to go and explore the outdoors, to be inquisitive of the environment around me again.  So tonight I learned how to prepare for winter activities and tomorrow I will learn more about snowshoeing and meet other local people interested in doing the same.  

 Really – it is about the small steps!

Change is in the Air

As the weather changes and the leaves start to turn yellow and fall to the ground, I realize just how much my life has changed in the last 3 months.  Since the end of June I have changed jobs and changed cities; which in turn changed the friends I see (or don’t see), the activities I do and even the way I shop.  All these changes led to a decision to change my blog – its name and its purpose. 

Previously my blog was created to write about food, moving and getting into the flow of life.  However, often when I thought about what to write it would fall under the “flow of life” category (if any).  What I had thought I would be interested in writing when I created my blog has changed – along with the other aspects in my life.  So it seemed only reasonable to change the name of my blog and free myself from the constraints I felt I had put upon myself.  I am hoping this change will create the outlet I originally desired.

So welcome to the new revised blog – Bushwhacking through Life. 

Finding Flow – Yoga Code Style

A week ago an email arrived in my inbox from Jackie Dumaine, a yoga instructor and coach I worked with over the past year.  It was an email drafted to her clients, which issued a challenge at the end…

“Whatever it is you have on your schedule to do today, take a few minutes to go through the principles of The Yoga Code and pick ONE of them that you will commit to practicing for the upcoming week, starting today.  You may choose one that you feel at ease with, or you may choose one that you've been struggling with.  Either way, it doesn't matter - pick one and commit to living it.  Fully living it, in all that you do.”

I have spent the last week thinking about the email, but failing to make a commitment to take action.  I would review the 10 Yoga Code principles, which are the Yamas and the Niyamas of the yoga practice often not discussed in the Asana (physical) practice.  These 10 principles can be found on Jackie’s website (http://www.jackiedumaine.com/the-10-sacred-principles/). 

As I moved away from sitting on my small couch to eat meals, to sitting at my small kitchen table to eat my dinner, I would stare at the Yoga Code - 10 Sacred Principles handout hanging on the side of my fridge.  I received this handout when I took the Yoga Code workshop just over a year ago.  Why could I not commit to one thing for 7 days?  Was I afraid of failing?  Was I afraid of succeeding?  And in the honest truth, no one knew I was going to be doing this so really the only person that would know if I completed it was me!  And yet I wasn’t committing. 

Yesterday I made the decision – Svadhyaya, which means self-study, observing and learning.  I told myself I just needed an extra week for everything to soak in and really read and explore the principles and choose the one that was right for me here and now. This morning though, a giggle was set free when I opened up my book from the workshop.  My favorite of the 10 principles is “Tapas” (burning commitment and inner discipline).  When I opened my book, written in green pen on my note sheet was “Tapas – a 30 day challenge or commitment to doing something.”  Without awareness I had actually committed to my favorite principle this past week.  I have set the challenge to create a daily self-care routine and stick to it for the next 30-days.  What makes me smile – one of the commitments is to eat at the table, which is where I spent my time staring at the 10 principles of the Yoga Code. 

 *~*ASIDE: If I am being honest, part of the reason it is my favorite is because it is one that I can always remember.  Tapas – like the Spanish version of appetizers, which go great with Cava Sangria.

This week – although I am continuing on with my Tapas of inner discipline, I am adding on to it Sadhyaya – self study.  This week will be about bringing awareness to my actions and thoughts. 

Here is to finding flow and freedom!