This is where I am at - right now.
So with business casual attire required for an event later this week (and I mean Alberta business casual, so jeans), I was looking around at what I could wear. There I was, that depressing moment where you stare into a closet full of clothes and declare "I have nothing to wear."
Now don't get me wrong, I knew the weight was creeping on. Each week it is a bit of a silent prayer that the freshly washed dress pants will fit and I will look alright going to the office. I am not completely delusional.
However, today was the wake up call. It was time to go buy jean .... a size bigger.
As someone that understands a bit about the yoga philosophy, I figured that I had been treating myself with compassion and kindness (Ahimsa) - one of the first principles of yoga. However, I had taken the concept of compassion and kindness and turned it into another excuse to not do what I know I need to do. The excuses would sound something like, "I am being compassionate to my body and letting it rest more" (aka sleeping in); or "I am only going to do exercise I truly enjoy, once I figure out what that is" (but not actually doing anything) or "My body hurts, so I will just stretch today."
Here is the reality.
If I were to treat myself with compassion and kindness and embrace Ahimsa, it would be to move my body in some way and start eating better food. I know what I need to do - I just don't do it.
So tonight my action of Ahimsa was to go out and buy jeans - yes jeans, with an "s" - not just one pair, but two pairs of slightly larger jeans. I did this so that I have something to wear that makes me feel good and makes my butt look even better. I had to be honest with myself that right now, this is my size - and - that I had been terrified of what to wear when not at work. I have resorted to living in dresses and yoga pants. The dresses are fine, but with the colder weather - and only 2 dresses I was wearing - I needed options. Plus it was avoiding the real issue of the fact that most of my pants don't fit.
However, I didn't stop my evening at Ahimsa. I moved to the second principle of Satya - Embracing the Truth. The truth is, the stress at work is only part of the contributing pounds weighing me down. The lack of moving and the less than stellar food choices are all leading me to a place I would rather not go. So as I tried on jeans and actually caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - I had to be honest. I had let myself down. After working to lose over 60 pounds, I was letting the weight creep back on my body. I have brought myself to this place and I have the ability to change it.
If I am truly honest - I have to start making the changes now. I keep telling myself that when I really want to lose the weight - I will. But this is not happening. I am not happy. I am avoiding social situations as I don't know what to wear. I don't want to see friends I haven't seen in awhile because I am embarrassed about the weight. Plus, I think it is way less fun to get dressed, or buy clothes or even go shopping when it is going up in sizes instead of down.
So tonight I was honest with myself - the weight has come back.
I was honest that I know what it will take to start getting it to come off - I just need to be committed. I need to find a "reward" system that will keep me motivated and moving towards my goals.
And most importantly - tonight I stripped off the excuses and was kind enough to buy myself new jeans that make me feel good, and now I have something to wear out for all those fun social situations.
And all this insight came, from the inside of a dressing room!
